Losing a Loved One; Coping..?

Life unhinged… I named this blog very purposefully because sometimes life is just that, completely and entirely unhinged. Is it just me or does life seem to love sending you to cloud 9 just so it can laugh as it watches you fall back to rock bottom?

Here we are just putzing through life and sure enough, a hill appears in front of us, “no big deal I can do this!”. We continue uphill desperate to see what's on the other side and, shocker, it’s a cliff headed straight to the bottom of despair. Naturally, life doesn’t give you the choice to turn around, it just gives you an ominous shove, “Buh-bye-now!”

My dear readers, as you know this blog is about struggles with mental health, particularly depression and anxiety. Not only that, it's about the shitty poker hands life sets in front of you; does life really give you lemons? I keep trying to make lemonade but it sure doesn’t taste like lemonade…

It’s been a while since I last wrote, my life was unhinged once again and this time it really threw m

e off. This September, on my 25th birthday, I found out my mother passed away unexpectedly, “What? How is this possible?? I just spoke to her everything was fine!!?”. My world turned inside out, I couldn’t begin to process that she was gone, and trust me, I still haven’t. Losing a loved one is like losing a part of you, how do you move forward?

If you’re a frequent reader you know my latest post was purely dedicated to her, I cannot write enough to fully express who she was and what she means to me. That being said, let's analyze the feelings of loss, holy shit!!

Are we ever ready? NO! Absolutely not! I kept thinking there is no way I could lose my mother at 25, and then I think about those who have lost their parents at an earlier age or friends who have lost their children and my heart absolutely shatters. How do you begin to process such a loss??

The truth is…you really don’t…you just learn to live with it. You try to remember the good times, but all that you can think about is the time you lost, all the moments you will never have. Holy shit!! I don’t know about you, but I feel like society always tell

s you to remember the good times, and think of the good memories…of course, we remember those, but how can you not think of what has been lost? How can you not think of everything that will be missed?? It is absolutely impossible! Your heart aches with every ounce of what will be missed and no one can convince you to see otherwise.

Not only that, all of a sudden you’re expected to essentially make their life disappear. Take care of funeral arrangements, and sort through their belongings, their mail, their accounts, and their home… effectively ridding the world of their existence. This has to be the most painful part of the process, you can’t possibly make an entire life of existence disappear. How are we expected to manage all of that while at the same time hopelessly trying to cope with the fact that they are no longer here?

What is coping? What is processing?? I call it just getting used to it…learning to live with it…

I don’t want to discourage… for those of you that have coped and processed, I am so proud of you!! For those of you that haven’t…I don’t blame you! I am here for you! It is next to impossible.

Every single day I want to talk to her and tell her about my life and hear about hers, I miss her more and more as the days go on; so far it isn’t getting easier. If you have tips, please share! If you’re like me, feeling absolutely lost, understand that you are not alone. Life beats you to shit, it takes so much out of you every single day, but losing a loved one is an entirely different story.

This sucks! This feels worse than anything… I would much rather have my mom back than take back what has happened in my life. I could get through anything with her and now I’m not so sure. She was my strength, what now?

Well, my readers, I haven’t figured it out yet, but when/if I do, I will certainly let you know!

To my readers who have suffered loss…

Yours truly... AA