Trigger warning: sexual assault, suicide
My dear readers, this is a very personal, raw post and I have been hesitant to write it, but truthfully I want to shed some light on the importance of understanding and caring about what you or your loved ones may be going through. I want to share my story with the hope that others can find some light in the darkness.
A year ago, on February 5th of 2022, I attempted suicide. I tried to overdose, I took my entire prescribed bottle of Clonazepam, and somehow ended up calling my father in a drug-induced, blacked-out slur, not making any sense. He rushed an hour and forty-five minutes from his home in Leakey to my apartment in San Antonio to find me lying unconscious in the hallway, bleeding and covered in bruises. He took me to the hospital and as you can all guess, I survived.
The year prior, on February 15th of 2021, I was sexually assaulted, raped. I didn’t seek appropriate help, wanting to put it behind me, and a year after my assault, I could no longer stand the thoughts I was having; the hurt I felt, the sadness I felt, the anger…no, the RAGE I felt as an outcome of being used, abused, feeling absolutely worthless. I was exhausted, I simply didn’t want to live a life full of pain with no happiness in sight, feeling like a piece of re-used trash. I wish I could say I was grateful to have survived, but I spent the past year still wishing I was dead, wishing I had been successful. Self-harm became normal. I literally dragged myself out of bed every single day feeling like everything was impossible. I had mood swings like no other, Lord help anyone in my way when my rage surfaced.
I eventually realized I needed to seek help, I had to get better, not just for me, but for my family. I tried regular therapy, light therapy, was prescribed antidepressants, exercised, took vitamins, spent time outside, I did everything I could possibly do to feel better and NOTHING was helping. I would still spiral into frantic thoughts of suicide and self-harm; I shit you not I was just so exhausted, so sick and tired of living with pain and feeling totally crazy, I didn't want to live with it anymore. What bothered me the most was that, in general, my life was fine!! All I wanted was to be happy, to enjoy life, to enjoy the little things.
Well, my dear readers, fast forward a year later… here we are again in February. I finally found a service that could provide me with a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. I am finally being treated with the proper medication and have not felt this happy, relieved, and hopeful in the past 4 years (I was struggling far before my assault, it just took that to push me past my limits). I finally see a life worth living ahead of me. I can finally see all the things I would have missed out on over the past year had I passed away.
Readers, this is NOT a sob story, this is a wake-up call!! If you yourself are struggling with the same pain, please I beg of you, get the help you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and the proper help really is out there! If you are someone that has a loved one dealing with the same pain, please, it is not a joke. Do not take it lightly, don’t brush it off and say they are being dramatic or just want attention, they are hurting in a way you can’t possibly imagine.
Suicide is not a joke, suicide CAN be prevented if you listen, if you care, if you encourage help.
I want to be honest about the fact that I struggled for a year trying to find the appropriate help, my health insurance plan didn’t cover online psychology OR psychiatry, and seeing someone in person is so difficult with a normal day job. I simply couldn’t afford help and it breaks my heart that there aren’t more resources out there, or they are impossible to find. To my readers that are struggling… here are some resources: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - dial 988, Emergency Medical Services - dial 911, Crisis Text Line - text “HOME” to 741-741. I found my amazing and supportive therapist through Betterhelp.com, who recommend I see a psychiatrist, and found my doctor at Cerebral.com who finally, properly diagnosed me.
To my readers who are hurting, life can be beautiful, colorful, and amazing, I promise! If I can survive, so can you, and you deserve it!
To my readers, please stay strong…
Yours truly, AA
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