A monster calls out, beckoning, enticing, whispering...come and play. Dance with me through the night, let us spin together and weave a beautiful, eerie web. This monster knows no bounds, it pulls you in with a comforting charm and swallows you whole. Trapped in a dalliance of deceit, there is no escape from its asphyxiating grasp. Straining for air, you look for a way out, a glimpse of light reflecting off the silk lines of the web that was spun, but only darkness surrounds you. Every fear, every doubt now pulling you deeper, and deeper....and deeper.
You're weak, you're worthless! Did you really think you could run from me? Hide from me?? The monster mocks your failed attempts, your desperate grasps for hope, "how foolish I am...utterly useless...he's right. This is where I belong". Your mind now entranced, controlled by the monster's cruel words, your hope is gone and you succumb to his call.
This, my dear readers, is the dark abyss, the monster, that is depression. The cruel, unseemly voice inside your head beating you down, then kicking you on the ground to finish the job. Our minds trick us into believing we are weak, useless, worthless and therefore unloved, unwanted, and vanishing. Who will notice if I am gone? Who will care? Well, believe me reader, there are many that will notice, and even more that will care. Depression is a beast that feels nearly impossible to tame, it truly is an evil within that can conquer so easily yet falls to so few. So how do we even begin? I admit I have fallen into its trap, believing the voice in my head far to the point of complete surrender, as battling to no avail was simply too difficult. A constant whisper, an endless reminder...please shut up!
Sometimes that is the simplest first step we can take, "Shut UP!", and yes say it out loud! Trust me when I say I know just how loud those silent voices can be, absolutely overbearing. Begin by telling those voices to get lost (as they should, there is no room for them here). As the monster's coaxing calls begin to fade, find a way to forgive yourself for being ensnared. I often find myself getting angry, how could I be so stupid? So weak? Well honey, its a monster, even superheros have a tough time fighting them. The number one thing I have learned and continue to remind myself is to "be kind to yourself", simple you say? No way! After being beaten down for so long, its impossible to think you deserve better, your brain no longer allows you to even consider it. So reader, I'll let you in on another secret...you DO deserve better. A LOT better, but what does "be kind to yourself" even mean? How on earth do I begin to do that? One step at a time my dear, one step at a time.
Start with something simple, give yourself one compliment a day and repeat that compliment to yourself all day long. It sounds silly I know...but at some point, your brain will absorb it and you'll begin to believe it! When that voice begins to slither back, as it inevitably does, tell it to stick it where the sun don't shine and repeat your compliment. Easier said than done, I know, to this day the voice in my head calls to me like Voledmort to Harry Potter. A random metaphor? Not entirely...as it turns out, Voldemort and Harry Potter were essentially part of each other, just as depression is a part of us, good and evil duking it out. That being said, the protagonist always wins. Be kind to yourself, the second step. Self-care and self-love are extremely important, although surprisingly difficult to accomplish under the gloom of a whispering monster. Grant yourself something you enjoy, whatever that may be just go out and do it (yes, drag yourself out of bed and get out of your PJs). But, do I have to? Absolutely, Harry Potter didn't take down Voldemort by laying in bed all day. Be kind to yourself, start small and each step you take pokes a hole in the abyss.
One by one slivers of light begin shining through, suddenly, beams of light are reflecting off the tightly wound web, bouncing back and illuminating the surrounding walls. The monster begins to shriek as his fortress is invaded, and the once unsurpassable walls are suddenly reduce to rubble before his eyes. As the maze of webbing begins to reveal itself, you twist yourself out of the grasp that once held you so firmly and follow the patterned maze to a fraying strand of silk. A sudden spark sends flames rushing through your body, your heart pounding as you reach for the strand and tug. The web unravels and gently falls away.
Feeling warmth on your face, you look up, your gaze met by the sun and you realize you're standing outside, with a smile on your face.
To my trapped readers, be kind to yourself...
Yours truly, AA
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